I am not normally a person who struggles with procrastination. I always pay my bills, my credit card is in order. The only time I have bounced a cheque is because I had taken money out of chequing and into savings. I try and not do that anymore by
setting up alerts for myself writing it in my planner. I made a plan for dissertation chapter submission in conjunction with my thesis committee and then I organized my time to make it come to fruition. I am pro at getting through stacks of books in short amounts of time, because time is finite, and I like to rest.
This past week, however, I have not been myself. I have wanted to crawl into bed, put the covers over my head, and never get up. This is not the same as comps-exhaustion because now my mind is racing. Now I just don’t want to apply for jobs. Without discussing the process in great detail, because I don’t think that’s professional, suffice it to say that it is a lot of work, involves asking people in Canada for help and there are many factors out of my control. I also know many qualified people who are probably applying for the same jobs. I don’t actually want to know if they are because there is no way everyone I know, and don’t know, can be gainfully employed by the beginning of the next school year. I have partially resolved the other issues by signing up for a dossier service and writing pointed emails to my transcript office.
I might have to resolve the other issues through prayer. I know that my parents and other family and friends are praying for me to be safe here in Mexico, that my thesis will be finished, and that I will find a job that is right for me (Sidebar: the US has so many kinds of colleges and universities that all seem good in different ways. I am kind of jealous I never got to experience them. Not at all jealous that Canadian education is better funded and I do not have a massive debt load). Fortunately, Mexico, the country where I currently reside, is full of churches. Several times when I have felt overwhelmed by life, I have walked in to a Catholic church and just sat in a pew for a few minutes (sometimes inadvertently interrupting mass… in a respectable way…I hope). Of course there is the inevitable inability to conform to Catholic ritual. I don’t know how to cross myself, and I want to be respectable, so I wonder if I should cross myself and clearly out my Mennonite roots, or just stand there looking reverent (Second sidebar: people in Mexico are confused when I tell them I’m Mennonite, because I wear mainstream clothing and don’t sell cheese, but no one seems to voice their potential criticisms about more conservative Mennonites to me). Maybe this afternoon I will blow off my thesis and procrastinate on the job hunt by lighting some candles. We all know that it is better to light candles than curse the darkness, but are candles really the tangible result I am looking for?